Since the Great Recession of 2008, it seems that the debate in America has focused around jobs. Everyone keeps asking, “Where are the jobs?” Whether you’re a Republican or a Democrat, you’ve been asking the president and John Boehner for jobs. Well I’ve got some ideas for you. It’s really quite simple if you think about it. All of us can take these easy steps and the jobs will have to come back to America. I’m sure of it.
1. Stop asking for workers rights. Unions are the reason why jobs go overseas, not cheap labor and deregulation. We as Americans demand too damn much. We want our voices to be heard, we want safe working conditions, we want at least 2 weeks of vacation, we want health care, we want benefits after we’ve worked for so many years and we want maternity leave.
What we should be doing is taking our lead from the way the Chinese government and corporations treat their citizens. The workers of Foxconn work over 12 hours, get paid $17 a day and are committing suicide because of their working conditions. That must mean they’re really working hard! If you want to make it in this world, you’ve got to work hard! And look, they make iPhones. So they must be doing a good job. A few lost lives here or there is understandable when making a great product like the iPhone. Remember, business comes first.
2. Call your senator and representative and tell them to lower the minimum wage. Remember, we’ve got to look out for the businesses and their needs. Money comes before humane treatment of persons. Oh, how we Americans miss the days when we had people working for us… For free…
3. Deregulate all industry because the bottom line is what matters. If businesses have to pay for the cost of regulations, it’s only reasonable that they lay people off and put them out of their homes. That’s what they get for telling businesses how to run things. It makes the most sense to allow industries to regulate themselves. This way, there will be no need to lobby Congress and buy politicians. See, this saves corporations hundreds of millions of dollars in the long run.
4. Bring the Swiss bank accounts to America—Somewhere in Texas or Oklahoma would be preferable. These states are preferable because they’re business friendly and they have a history of putting business before the livelihood of their people. Now, when companies want to avoid taxes and cut corners, they can do so right here in America. No need to do it in foreign countries anymore.
5. And lastly, take Gingrich’s lead and let’s make the poor and minorities into janitors. By pushing our kids and minorities into indentured servitude, they’ll learn the meaning of hard work and will get off food stamps. If our tax dollars aren’t spent on entitlements, that means more can be spent on corporate bailouts, corporate personhood and the Bush tax cuts.
By giving successful multimillion dollar companies subsidies to do what they’re already making billions from, this will surely bring jobs back to America the beautiful. It’s not like they’d just hoard the money or anything.
So, my fellow Americans, just follow these easy steps and we’ll take America back 50-60 years, when we were so great. Ah, the good ‘ole days.
*Note to the wise, this is satire. I don’t really believe this. But the people in power do. And if we don’t give a damn about what they want to do with this country, we are just as guilty for our downfall as they are.